The right person?

I can’t remember what I got this from but it is a very interesting topic. I think, not only married couples think about it, even dating couples and especially monogamous gay or lesbian couples (since ‘marriage’ in the legal sense is not allowed).


DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?"
In all seriousness, she answered, "How do you know?"

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated his call, wanted his touch and liked his idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there, doing nothing. Then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling is love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens) and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages break down. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extra-marital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY, you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labour of love." Because it takes time, effort and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable... you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling.

Problems...

When I woke up this morning, I really wanted to write about the Catholic church and what the world would be like if they were still in power (i.e. controlling the gahmens). I was really excited about it but then I received an email from a close friend of mine telling me about her marital problems.

It was really sad to know about it and my planes to write about the Catholic church was pushed aside and I tried my best to convey my thoughts and support via email.

It is always sad to know that when you friends are having problems, whether money problems, relationship problems, health problem, marriage problems, they all are very sad things. How can you as a friend try to be supportive but not judgmental or critical? It sometimes become even more difficult (if it is a relationship/marriage problem) if you only know one of the parties involved, it becomes doubly difficult if you didn’t like their partners. I don’t know my friend’s husband very well but he’s a nice guy. Friendly and not pretentious. The best part about it, was when I came out to them, he accepted it more easily than she did, but then again maybe it was because she knew me for a longer period.

So I was trying to console her and to tell her that ending the marriage is not an option that should be taken until all avenues to ‘salvage’ the marriage has been exhausted. Not an easy thing to do.

Other than that I can only offer my support in whatever decision she makes and be a 'listening ear' now as she rants and tries to get it out of her system.

God bless her and her husband.

金钟罩铁布衫

Now of these days whenever I heard the song 金钟罩铁布衫 by S.H.E., I get a feeling like a sense of lost. Odd it might seem but I get the feeling of missing T, which is a lot worse than my usual missing him. I find it really wonderful, that until this day, after being 'separated' for 9 months, I have such deep feelings for him.

When I came over here last July, T came with me (for a vacation) and that was the song he used for his ring tone. Of course it became rather tiring after a few days but it seemed that left an impression on me about him. I love that song too and even when I hum it to myself, I get transported back to when we were still in Singapore together and the great times we had. Thus, increases my wanting to back with him.

Well, this will come to an end, our being apart that is.