Well, I've survived one week (excluding) without T and I survived. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be after I've accepted the fact and know that we'll be together sometime later. It seems that I'm rather stong contrary to what I thought I would be. Homesickness is gone too. So now just have work too look forward to.
I went in to the office today and was given a job to do (even though it was suppose to be a familiarisation), but I'm not complaining. It is fun. I've started doing it even though I know I don't have to. I think I'll finish it by today and then when Monday arrives, I'll just have to see if it works with the data. Rather exciting.
Today, it was a bit warmer than yesterday. This week was the coldest week in Melbourne, it seems that it has never been this cold for 20 years. So now warmer weather should be here. :)
12 August 2005
10 August 2005
Such is the world
At last, my long 'vacation' is coming to an end. Starting work next Monday and I have to go in on Friday to do some paperwork. What is a job without paperwork.
Just opened my bank account today. Gosh, ever since 9/11 all banks have stepped up security. I thought it was only in Singapore but it seems that Hong Kong and Australia too. So I have to gather that all the world has done this. I had such a difficult time getting a savings account opened but at least it is opened now.
There was a problem with my rental agreement so I had to go to the house agent's office to get her to rectify it, then had to travel back to t he bank again to open my account. Such a nuisance but at least it is done.
It was suppose to be cold today with sleet but the sun is out and it is warm. As usual cannot trust weather reports even here. That is what my roommate told me.
Been communicating with T via IM and webcams. It is cool, at least we can see each other and 'chat' even though we are miles apart. I do miss him but hey, we'll get through this and he'll join me soon. I just hope it wouldn't take too long though :P.
Just opened my bank account today. Gosh, ever since 9/11 all banks have stepped up security. I thought it was only in Singapore but it seems that Hong Kong and Australia too. So I have to gather that all the world has done this. I had such a difficult time getting a savings account opened but at least it is opened now.
There was a problem with my rental agreement so I had to go to the house agent's office to get her to rectify it, then had to travel back to t he bank again to open my account. Such a nuisance but at least it is done.
It was suppose to be cold today with sleet but the sun is out and it is warm. As usual cannot trust weather reports even here. That is what my roommate told me.
Been communicating with T via IM and webcams. It is cool, at least we can see each other and 'chat' even though we are miles apart. I do miss him but hey, we'll get through this and he'll join me soon. I just hope it wouldn't take too long though :P.
07 August 2005
Parting
Well, it was a blissful 2 weeks but T has returned to Singapore this afternoon. It wasn't easy but we believe that if our love is strong and true, we'll be able to survive this and in 2 years time he'd return and we'll have our lives together again. Yup, he's going back and will be back in 2 years time.
He just got a new job in Singapore and he wants to make the most out of it before coming over. That is the reason why his 'vacation' had to be cut short by 1 week.
The parting was not really bad. I have this ache in my heart but I know in time it would be manageable. At the end of the year, I'll be going back to Singapore and mid next year he'll be coming back, so our partings are about 6 months long. Only 104 weeks I tell myself wishing I have a time machine to move past this 'difficult' time.
Whether we'll survive 2 years apart is another thing. But I believe that when God shows you your soulmate, God'll not take him away just for the fun of it. So if God willing and us trying, we'll be together again. Until that day arrives, I'll keep myself busy and make full use of my life. I am comfortable being alone, so with T away, I'm more alone now that ever.
Everyone back home (my tons of friends whom I dearly miss) said that it shouldn't be a problem for me to make friends here, with my character. That I really don't know. The culture here is very different and not that I feel inferior to the whites here. Gosh, me feel inferior to anyone? Got to be joking :).
I hope that things work out well for me. I'm still waiting to sign on the dotted line on my job (yup, I haven't started working as yet) this is because of red tape (as usual). I know that I'll gain a lot from this job. I really thank my Lord for this opportunity, even though I did doubt a lot about it when I first arrived.
Today's gospel was about Peter's walk on water with Jesus, it was this that made me realise that I shouldn't doubt Jesus' love and care for me but to know that this opportunity was given to me because Jesus wanted me to have it. So I should cherish it and not waste it. This could be a test for me to prove to nobody but myself that I can survive this, especially with God behind me.
He just got a new job in Singapore and he wants to make the most out of it before coming over. That is the reason why his 'vacation' had to be cut short by 1 week.
The parting was not really bad. I have this ache in my heart but I know in time it would be manageable. At the end of the year, I'll be going back to Singapore and mid next year he'll be coming back, so our partings are about 6 months long. Only 104 weeks I tell myself wishing I have a time machine to move past this 'difficult' time.
Whether we'll survive 2 years apart is another thing. But I believe that when God shows you your soulmate, God'll not take him away just for the fun of it. So if God willing and us trying, we'll be together again. Until that day arrives, I'll keep myself busy and make full use of my life. I am comfortable being alone, so with T away, I'm more alone now that ever.
Everyone back home (my tons of friends whom I dearly miss) said that it shouldn't be a problem for me to make friends here, with my character. That I really don't know. The culture here is very different and not that I feel inferior to the whites here. Gosh, me feel inferior to anyone? Got to be joking :).
I hope that things work out well for me. I'm still waiting to sign on the dotted line on my job (yup, I haven't started working as yet) this is because of red tape (as usual). I know that I'll gain a lot from this job. I really thank my Lord for this opportunity, even though I did doubt a lot about it when I first arrived.
Today's gospel was about Peter's walk on water with Jesus, it was this that made me realise that I shouldn't doubt Jesus' love and care for me but to know that this opportunity was given to me because Jesus wanted me to have it. So I should cherish it and not waste it. This could be a test for me to prove to nobody but myself that I can survive this, especially with God behind me.
25 July 2005
Writing again
It really has been a long time since I lost wrote. I've been so busy getting ready and furthermore I didn't have broadband anymore (didn't think it was worth having it when I was about to leave) so I was stuck with dial-up for about 2-3 weeks. It was really terrible, anyone who have moved from LAN/broadband to dial-up (56k) would understand how I feel. There is no more instant responses. It takes about half and hour for me to just read my e-mails!
Anyhow, that is over and now that I've settled down I thought I'd starting writing again.
Settled down, yup, I'm now in Melbourne. I took me a while to get the hang of it but it is great now. T is still sleeping, enjoying the warmth of the bedroom/bed. Now the only thing is for me to look forward to working. Just wondering if I can push my starting date to a little later to just go a for a little break. It is so nice to be sleeping with him again.
At least the NKF saga is now over. But it seems to me that things moved a little too fast.
So now that my new life has started. It isn't as easy as I thought it would be. The good-byes at the airport was really terrible but I know I'll survive. I felt so homesick the first few days I was here. Wondering if I made the right decision and if this is where the Lord wants me to me. I was really blessed in moving here. It took me ages to get my PR (there were so many problems) but after that things started to look up. Before I came over, I already had a home, etc, etc done for me. I have a close friend in Australia who needed a roommate (at the right time) and I said that I would mind being his if he didn't mind waiting for a month or two before I arrive. So when I came here, I had everything, home, phone, internet connection... I just needed to transplant myself. Then the next thing was my job, I got one in the end 2 days before I arrived and now I'm just waiting for the big interview.
Back to the homesickness, I do hope that I'd be able to keep it in check as T will be going back to Singapore soon. I just pray that the Lord will give me strength and keep me busy so that I've no time to be really homesick. But I have survived in America when I had nothing (I had to find my own apartment, etc.) and had nobody to help me. I was really homesick then. Now, it is different, but the feeling of just wanting to drop everything and leave came back. It took me about 3-4 weeks to get over that in America, I wonder how long it will take for me to get into the routine here and start enjoying my life.
Anyhow, that is over and now that I've settled down I thought I'd starting writing again.
Settled down, yup, I'm now in Melbourne. I took me a while to get the hang of it but it is great now. T is still sleeping, enjoying the warmth of the bedroom/bed. Now the only thing is for me to look forward to working. Just wondering if I can push my starting date to a little later to just go a for a little break. It is so nice to be sleeping with him again.
At least the NKF saga is now over. But it seems to me that things moved a little too fast.
So now that my new life has started. It isn't as easy as I thought it would be. The good-byes at the airport was really terrible but I know I'll survive. I felt so homesick the first few days I was here. Wondering if I made the right decision and if this is where the Lord wants me to me. I was really blessed in moving here. It took me ages to get my PR (there were so many problems) but after that things started to look up. Before I came over, I already had a home, etc, etc done for me. I have a close friend in Australia who needed a roommate (at the right time) and I said that I would mind being his if he didn't mind waiting for a month or two before I arrive. So when I came here, I had everything, home, phone, internet connection... I just needed to transplant myself. Then the next thing was my job, I got one in the end 2 days before I arrived and now I'm just waiting for the big interview.
Back to the homesickness, I do hope that I'd be able to keep it in check as T will be going back to Singapore soon. I just pray that the Lord will give me strength and keep me busy so that I've no time to be really homesick. But I have survived in America when I had nothing (I had to find my own apartment, etc.) and had nobody to help me. I was really homesick then. Now, it is different, but the feeling of just wanting to drop everything and leave came back. It took me about 3-4 weeks to get over that in America, I wonder how long it will take for me to get into the routine here and start enjoying my life.
14 July 2005
Backlash
NKF dropped the lawsuit against SPH yesterday after 2 days of cross-examination of the CEO. And now the backlash against NKF started. 3800 people have cancelled their monthly donations. Most of them said that they would resume donating when the CEO resigns.
I personally think that not only should the CEO resign but also the board of directors. I mean, the CEO had/did lots of things that they have to approve before he would dare to do it. For example, his 10 - 12 months bonuses during the time when Singaporeans either had: a) no job, b) suffered a pay cut. And in 2003 when he had a 10 month bouns, most people didn't get any bonus. The other example is NKF paying for his personal car's road tax and repairs.
So what I say is get the board and the CEO out instead of just the CEO.
I personally think that not only should the CEO resign but also the board of directors. I mean, the CEO had/did lots of things that they have to approve before he would dare to do it. For example, his 10 - 12 months bonuses during the time when Singaporeans either had: a) no job, b) suffered a pay cut. And in 2003 when he had a 10 month bouns, most people didn't get any bonus. The other example is NKF paying for his personal car's road tax and repairs.
So what I say is get the board and the CEO out instead of just the CEO.
13 July 2005
Ex-PM's wife's comments
I read with disbelief the under mentioned article. Mrs Goh (the wife of ex-PM of Singapore) making a statement like this?! Of all people I would have expected her to understand the situation but I was wrong.
NKF - charitable organisation indeed. Even I would like to be a CEO of NKF now. Who wouldn't want to earn so much money and all at the expense of well-wishers. And once again, I'm not saying that anyone should starve, but to became rich on other people's donated money is really too much.
What is the meaning of charity?
Although the law states that 30% of donations can be used for the running of a charitable organisation, it doesn't mean that all 30% has to be used up. And it doesn't mean that the 30% can be used to bestow lavish things, like gold taps and Mercedes Benz cars (6 in fact, company cars) on officers. It also doesn't mean that NKF should pay for their road tax, yes, Mr T. T. Durai's road tax, repairs for his personal Mercedes is paid for by NKF. Which means Singaporeans paid for his road tax and car repairs. Majority of whom use public transport.
*sigh*
------------------
The Straits Times
14 July 2005
MRS GOH: I've full trust in NKF and its CEO
The NKF's patron, Mrs Goh Chok Tong, told reporters at the close of the case that she had complete trust in the organisation and its chief executive. Mr T. T. Durai.
She had come to court on both days of the hearing and sat on the NKF side. Yesterday, she was there for part of the moring and again in the afternoon.
As Senior Conusel Davinder Singh led Mr Durai to concede point by point that he had no case, Mrs Goh, a lawyer, could be seen shaking her head.
After the hearing, Mrs Goh was asked by reporters what she thought about the way the case went.
She said it did not make sense to her to attack an organisation which helped the sick. All the NKF had wanted from The Straits Times was a retraction, she said, but the case had been extended to question NKF's transparency and "expensive things".
"Why make a fuss out of it?" she asked.
She said she would continue as patron, and added: "I have complete trust in the NKF and Mr Durai."
Asked if Mr Durai's annual salary and bonuse were "excessive", she replied: "For a person who runs a million-dollar charitable organisation, $600,000 is peanuts as it has a few hundred millions in reserves."
NKF - charitable organisation indeed. Even I would like to be a CEO of NKF now. Who wouldn't want to earn so much money and all at the expense of well-wishers. And once again, I'm not saying that anyone should starve, but to became rich on other people's donated money is really too much.
What is the meaning of charity?
Although the law states that 30% of donations can be used for the running of a charitable organisation, it doesn't mean that all 30% has to be used up. And it doesn't mean that the 30% can be used to bestow lavish things, like gold taps and Mercedes Benz cars (6 in fact, company cars) on officers. It also doesn't mean that NKF should pay for their road tax, yes, Mr T. T. Durai's road tax, repairs for his personal Mercedes is paid for by NKF. Which means Singaporeans paid for his road tax and car repairs. Majority of whom use public transport.
*sigh*
------------------
The Straits Times
14 July 2005
MRS GOH: I've full trust in NKF and its CEO
The NKF's patron, Mrs Goh Chok Tong, told reporters at the close of the case that she had complete trust in the organisation and its chief executive. Mr T. T. Durai.
She had come to court on both days of the hearing and sat on the NKF side. Yesterday, she was there for part of the moring and again in the afternoon.
As Senior Conusel Davinder Singh led Mr Durai to concede point by point that he had no case, Mrs Goh, a lawyer, could be seen shaking her head.
After the hearing, Mrs Goh was asked by reporters what she thought about the way the case went.
She said it did not make sense to her to attack an organisation which helped the sick. All the NKF had wanted from The Straits Times was a retraction, she said, but the case had been extended to question NKF's transparency and "expensive things".
"Why make a fuss out of it?" she asked.
She said she would continue as patron, and added: "I have complete trust in the NKF and Mr Durai."
Asked if Mr Durai's annual salary and bonuse were "excessive", she replied: "For a person who runs a million-dollar charitable organisation, $600,000 is peanuts as it has a few hundred millions in reserves."
12 July 2005
Charity
When I think about charitable organisations, I usually think of the people as loving and very self-sacrificing people. Who (most of the time) give up a high paying position to do this self-sacrificing work. But it seems that there are black sweep here too. Take the beloved CEO of the National Kidney Foundation (NKF), Mr. T.T. Durai. He is earning SGD600,000 a year with a monthly salary of SGD25,000. He takes first class flights and have taps in his bathroom in the office has taps that cost SGD990. This has come to light because of a law-suit that NKF filed against The Straits Times.
Gosh, it is amazing. No wonder he left his law job to be CEO of a chartable organisation and I thought he was being self-sacrificing but no, it is for his own pockets and interest. I really wonder how do people like him sleep at night (most probably in his SGD8,000 bed), knowing full well that he's taking the money of kind people, some of who are poor and yet try their best to help the more needy.
I mean, I'm not against people earning a good living but if you are working for an organisation that relies on the donations to help the needy, then don't expect to get high salaries/allowances. Donations are made in good faith that majority of it will go to those who need it.
This is a really sad case. The worse part about it, this would make the real charitable organisations suffer because people will think twice about donating.
------------------------------------
An extract of the cross-examination by chief prosecutor Davinder Singh.
Davinder Singh: So for the past three years you have earned about $1.8 million from the NKF.
T.T. Durai: Yes.
Davinder Singh: And the man who earns $1,000 a month who takes out $50 of his pay packet every month thinking that it is going to save lives, should he not know that that is the kind of money you earn?
T.T. Durai: There is nothing wrong with the money I earn.
Davinder Singh: $1.8 million, I wonder what is wrong. $1.8 million. Should the man who takes $50 out of his pay packet of $1,000, leaving $950 for him, his wife and his children, with no savings, should he not know that some of that money is going or has gone into a $500,000 to $600,000 pay package for you?
T.T. Durai: Surely he knows.
Davinder Singh: Tell me, how does he know?
T.T. Durai: Let me explain. People donate money to the NKF to run a dialysis programme that saves lives. We have built a dialysis programme. We run...
Judge: Please answer the question.
Davinder Singh: You said: 'Surely he knows.'
T.T. Durai: No, I am saying a person who contributes to the foundation knows that there are people working in the institution.
Judge: No. The question is, should that person know that you are earning $500,000, $600,000 a year? It is a simple question.
T.T. Durai: No, your honour, I do not see a need for him to know.
Davinder Singh: Thank you. It has nothing to do with privacy. It is about embarrassment, is it not?
T.T. Durai: No.
Davinder Singh: You would lose all authority, all moral authority to look at him in his eyes, isn't that right?
T.T. Durai: That is not true.
Davinder Singh: If he knew that you were flying first class on his money, you could not look him in his eyes, isn't that true?
T.T. Durai: It is not true.
Davinder Singh: If he knew that his salary couldn't even buy the bathroom fittings in your private office suite, you couldn't look him in his eyes.
T.T. Durai: That is not true.
Davinder Singh: We now understand why you say the $990 tap is not expensive. Well, coming from you at $600,000 a year, we now know why you say it is not expensive. But tell us, for that man with $1,000/$2,000, is it expensive?
T.T. Durai: Yes, he may consider it expensive.
Davinder Singh: He may, or is it? Tell us the truth.
T.T. Durai: I cannot speak for him. It depends on the type of building, the use of the item.
Davinder Singh: The man in his HDB one-room, two-rooms, three-rooms flat, earning a salary of $1,000, $2,000, $3,000 - would he find that tap at $990 plus 10 per cent discount expensive?
T.T. Durai: He may consider it expensive, yes.
Davinder Singh: He may, or will he?
T.T. Durai: If he is an educated person, if he knows the use of the particular office, for what purpose, he may probably think it is something reasonable.
Gosh, it is amazing. No wonder he left his law job to be CEO of a chartable organisation and I thought he was being self-sacrificing but no, it is for his own pockets and interest. I really wonder how do people like him sleep at night (most probably in his SGD8,000 bed), knowing full well that he's taking the money of kind people, some of who are poor and yet try their best to help the more needy.
I mean, I'm not against people earning a good living but if you are working for an organisation that relies on the donations to help the needy, then don't expect to get high salaries/allowances. Donations are made in good faith that majority of it will go to those who need it.
This is a really sad case. The worse part about it, this would make the real charitable organisations suffer because people will think twice about donating.
------------------------------------
An extract of the cross-examination by chief prosecutor Davinder Singh.
Davinder Singh: So for the past three years you have earned about $1.8 million from the NKF.
T.T. Durai: Yes.
Davinder Singh: And the man who earns $1,000 a month who takes out $50 of his pay packet every month thinking that it is going to save lives, should he not know that that is the kind of money you earn?
T.T. Durai: There is nothing wrong with the money I earn.
Davinder Singh: $1.8 million, I wonder what is wrong. $1.8 million. Should the man who takes $50 out of his pay packet of $1,000, leaving $950 for him, his wife and his children, with no savings, should he not know that some of that money is going or has gone into a $500,000 to $600,000 pay package for you?
T.T. Durai: Surely he knows.
Davinder Singh: Tell me, how does he know?
T.T. Durai: Let me explain. People donate money to the NKF to run a dialysis programme that saves lives. We have built a dialysis programme. We run...
Judge: Please answer the question.
Davinder Singh: You said: 'Surely he knows.'
T.T. Durai: No, I am saying a person who contributes to the foundation knows that there are people working in the institution.
Judge: No. The question is, should that person know that you are earning $500,000, $600,000 a year? It is a simple question.
T.T. Durai: No, your honour, I do not see a need for him to know.
Davinder Singh: Thank you. It has nothing to do with privacy. It is about embarrassment, is it not?
T.T. Durai: No.
Davinder Singh: You would lose all authority, all moral authority to look at him in his eyes, isn't that right?
T.T. Durai: That is not true.
Davinder Singh: If he knew that you were flying first class on his money, you could not look him in his eyes, isn't that true?
T.T. Durai: It is not true.
Davinder Singh: If he knew that his salary couldn't even buy the bathroom fittings in your private office suite, you couldn't look him in his eyes.
T.T. Durai: That is not true.
Davinder Singh: We now understand why you say the $990 tap is not expensive. Well, coming from you at $600,000 a year, we now know why you say it is not expensive. But tell us, for that man with $1,000/$2,000, is it expensive?
T.T. Durai: Yes, he may consider it expensive.
Davinder Singh: He may, or is it? Tell us the truth.
T.T. Durai: I cannot speak for him. It depends on the type of building, the use of the item.
Davinder Singh: The man in his HDB one-room, two-rooms, three-rooms flat, earning a salary of $1,000, $2,000, $3,000 - would he find that tap at $990 plus 10 per cent discount expensive?
T.T. Durai: He may consider it expensive, yes.
Davinder Singh: He may, or will he?
T.T. Durai: If he is an educated person, if he knows the use of the particular office, for what purpose, he may probably think it is something reasonable.
09 July 2005
08 July 2005
Short lived celebrations for London
It was so terrible when I heard about it! My colleague came to me about 5:30pm or so yesterday and told me London had been bombed. I thought she was joking because they just won the the bid to hold the 2012 Olympics which was announced less than 24 hours before.
It was a shock and I couldn't believe it. Just when we thought that things will start settling down, these barbaric shit heads did something again. What can the world do but step up their security and send condolences to London.
We are living in a very sad time where some people believe that in order to make a point people have to be killed. Where is the sanctity of life in all this?
As the English morn their dead and try to get their lives back to normal, let us pray for them (whatever God we pray to) and for those that have no god, a moment of silence to respect the innocents who died.
Amen.
It was a shock and I couldn't believe it. Just when we thought that things will start settling down, these barbaric shit heads did something again. What can the world do but step up their security and send condolences to London.
We are living in a very sad time where some people believe that in order to make a point people have to be killed. Where is the sanctity of life in all this?
As the English morn their dead and try to get their lives back to normal, let us pray for them (whatever God we pray to) and for those that have no god, a moment of silence to respect the innocents who died.
Amen.
07 July 2005
Podcasting ROCKS!
I'm really hooked to podcasting. Every since Steve Jobs showcased the new iTunes with podcast subscripting feature, I've been itching to try it out. I'm no the type that would bother going to the website and downloads or listen to podcast on a daily basis. Too lazy. So when iTune 4.9 came out (30 June in Singapore) I subscribed to a few podcast.
Yesterday, I started listening to Adam Curry's Daily Source Code and I got hooked to his podcast. It is so amazing to listen to other people who are not radio/TV personalities but ordinary people.
Yesterday, I started listening to Adam Curry's Daily Source Code and I got hooked to his podcast. It is so amazing to listen to other people who are not radio/TV personalities but ordinary people.
02 July 2005
Hangover
Gosh, I didn't expect this to happen. Woke up today and couldn't walk straight (haha very funny T). I frightened myself, thinking that it was some inner ear infection that it has affected by sense of balance. Now I realised that the 1 glass of red wine was more potent than I thought it would be. I'm still feeling the effects of it. Hmmm... I wonder if it is because of my training that made me more intolerant to alcohol or something else. This is actually very interesting, never had a problem this bad especially it has been about 7 hours since my drink last night (or this morning if you are a sucker for timing). Tried to recall the last time I actually drank and I can't recall, yes it has been that long.
Had a beautiful time last night with my friends, out for dinner then drinks. It is a farewell for me (of sorts ;) ). So it has started. The farewell parties.
Had a beautiful time last night with my friends, out for dinner then drinks. It is a farewell for me (of sorts ;) ). So it has started. The farewell parties.
30 June 2005
First farewell
Had my first farewell today. It was light heartening experience to know that I've touch so many lives and made rather a lot of friends.
28 June 2005
Interesting finding
I was searching through google for yoga studios in Melbourne (yes I practise yoga and have been at it for about 4 years now) and chance upon this website Hot Nude Yoga. Yoga in the nude! Cool isn't it.
23 June 2005
*smile*
Mom is happier today. I think my telling her that I'll call everyday, since calling home is so cheap from Australia, she has started to smile and be more herself. *smile* I'm so glad now. At least calling card calls are cheap from Australia to Singapore.
22 June 2005
Grief and sorrow
*sigh* It seems mom is still rather sad that I'm leaving, even though she knows that I wouldn't forget her.
Acceptance is so difficult. I don't blame her for taking a long time to come to acceptance, but it does get on my nerves (a bit) to see her eyes water at the slightest. *sigh* How am I going to leave happily? Doesn't she know that not being happy for me makes it more difficult for me to leave? Is my life destined to be forever ruled by my mother? I know in time she'll get used to me not being around, until then I'll just have to try my best to make this 'transition' so painless as possible. *sigh* Because of mom, I don't really feel like going now. It really hurts to know that she is so sad about it. I know she is still trying to come to terms with it. This is really not easy, even for me. Love really makes things difficult.
At least calling her on a daily basis is very possible, now that I've discovered that calling cards in Australia can charge as low as 1.1c per minute. It was so cool finding that out but knowing her, she'll say I'm wasting money calling home daily. Well, we'll see how it goes.
Acceptance is so difficult. I don't blame her for taking a long time to come to acceptance, but it does get on my nerves (a bit) to see her eyes water at the slightest. *sigh* How am I going to leave happily? Doesn't she know that not being happy for me makes it more difficult for me to leave? Is my life destined to be forever ruled by my mother? I know in time she'll get used to me not being around, until then I'll just have to try my best to make this 'transition' so painless as possible. *sigh* Because of mom, I don't really feel like going now. It really hurts to know that she is so sad about it. I know she is still trying to come to terms with it. This is really not easy, even for me. Love really makes things difficult.
At least calling her on a daily basis is very possible, now that I've discovered that calling cards in Australia can charge as low as 1.1c per minute. It was so cool finding that out but knowing her, she'll say I'm wasting money calling home daily. Well, we'll see how it goes.
17 June 2005
Things are getting difficult
Now that I've only 5 weeks more before I leave, it is starting to become really scary and sad. I realise that with my short life in Singapore, I have so many friends. Friends who have been with me through thick and thin. The ones who were still very good friends with me after I came out to them.
I have been blessed. Really blessed because I have never met people that have turned away from me after they found out I was gay. I cherish my friends and it is starting to get difficult to think that I'll be miles away from them.
I do realise that I'm giving up a lot by moving. My life, my friends, my family but I pray that I will be strong (with the help of the Lord) and trust that this is the path I have to travel. Why? I really don't know but I believe that the Lord will give me a clue soon.
Anyhow, as I work towards my last day, I think of all the beautiful moments in my life with the people I love and I can't help but wonder if I'm doing the right thing.
I have been blessed. Really blessed because I have never met people that have turned away from me after they found out I was gay. I cherish my friends and it is starting to get difficult to think that I'll be miles away from them.
I do realise that I'm giving up a lot by moving. My life, my friends, my family but I pray that I will be strong (with the help of the Lord) and trust that this is the path I have to travel. Why? I really don't know but I believe that the Lord will give me a clue soon.
Anyhow, as I work towards my last day, I think of all the beautiful moments in my life with the people I love and I can't help but wonder if I'm doing the right thing.
14 June 2005
Gay Men Are Found to Have Different Scent of Attraction
A good article that shows gay men are just different and not because they choose to be.
New York Times
May 9, 2005
Gay Men Are Found to Have Different Scent of Attraction
By NICHOLAS WADE
Using a brain imaging technique, Swedish researchers have shown that homosexual and heterosexual men respond differently to two odors that may be involved in sexual arousal, and that the gay men respond in the same way as women.
The new research may open the way to studying human pheromones, as well as the biological basis of sexual preference. Pheromones, chemicals emitted by one individual to evoke some behavior in another of the same species, are known to govern sexual activity in animals, but experts differ as to what role, if any, they play in making humans sexually attractive to one another.
The new research, which supports the existence of human pheromones, is reported in today's issue of The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences by Dr. Ivanka Savic and colleagues at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm.
The two chemicals in the study were a testosterone derivative produced in men's sweat and an estrogen-like compound in women's urine, both of which have long been suspected of being pheromones.
Most odors cause specific smell-related regions of the human brain to light up when visualized by a form of brain imaging that tracks blood flow in the brain and therefore, by inference, sites where neurons are active. Several years ago, Dr. Savic and colleagues showed that the two chemicals activated the brain in a quite different way from ordinary scents.
The estrogen-like compound, though it activated the usual smell-related regions in women, lighted up the hypothalamus in men. This is a region in the central base of the brain that governs sexual behavior and, through its control of the pituitary gland lying just beneath it, the hormonal state of the body.
The male sweat chemical, on the other hand, did just the opposite; it activated mostly the hypothalamus in women and the smell-related regions in men. The two chemicals seemed to be leading a double life, playing the role of odor with one sex and of pheromone with another.
The Swedish researchers have now repeated the experiment but with the addition of gay men as a third group. The gay men responded to the two chemicals in the same way as did women, Dr. Savic reports, as if the hypothalamus's response is determined not by biological sex but by the owner's sexual orientation.
Dr. Savic said that she had also studied gay women, but that the data were "somewhat complicated" and not yet ready for publication.
The finding is similar to a report in 1991 by Dr. Simon LeVay that a small region of the hypothalamus is twice as large in straight men as in women or gay men. The brain scanning technique used by the Swedish researchers lacks the resolution to see the region studied by Dr. LeVay, which is a mere millimeter or so across. But both findings suggest that the hypothalamus is organized in a way related to sexual orientation.
The new finding, if confirmed, would break ground in two important directions, those of human pheromones and human sexuality.
Mice are known to influence each other's sexual behavior through emission of chemicals that act like hormones on the recipient's brain and so are known as pheromones. Hopes by the fragrance industry, among others, of finding human pheromones were dashed several years ago when it emerged that a tiny structure in the nose through which mice detect many pheromones, the vomeronasal organ, is largely inactive in humans, having lost its nervous connection with the brain.
Researchers interpreted that to mean that humans, as they evolved to rely on sight more than smell, had no need of the primitive cues that pass for sexual attractiveness in mice. But a role for human pheromones could not be ruled out, especially in light of findings that women living or working together tend to synchronize their menstrual cycles.
Some researchers see Dr. Savic's work as strong evidence in favor of human pheromones. "The question of whether human pheromones exist has been answered. They do," wrote the authors of a commentary in Neuron about Dr. Savic's report of 2001.
Dr. Catherine Dulac, a Harvard University biologist who studies pheromones in mice, said that if a chemical modified the function of the hypothalamus, that might be enough to regard it as a pheromone. She said the Swedish study was extremely interesting, even though "humans are a terrible experimental subject." She noted, however, that the researchers used a far higher dose of the armpit chemical than anyone would be exposed to in normal life.
If human pheromones do exist, Dr. Savic's approach may allow insights into how the brain is organized not just for sexual orientation but also for sexuality in general.
"The big question is not where homosexuality comes from, but where does sexuality come from," said Dr. Dean Hamer, a geneticist at the National Institutes of Health.
The different pattern of activity that Dr. Savic sees in the brains of gay men could be either a cause of their sexual orientation or an effect of it. If sexual orientation has a genetic cause, or is influenced by hormones in the womb or at puberty, then the neurons in the hypothalamus could wire themselves up in a way that permanently shapes which sex a person is attracted to.
Alternatively, Dr. Savic's finding could be just a consequence of straight and gay men's using their brain in different ways.
"We cannot tell if the different pattern is cause or effect," Dr. Savic said. "The study does not give any answer to these crucial questions."
But the technique might provide an answer, Dr. Hamer noted, if it were applied to people of different ages to see when in life the different pattern of response developed.
Dr. LeVay said he believed from animal experiments that the size differences in the hypothalamic region he had studied arose before birth, perhaps in response to differences in the circulating level of sex hormones. Both his finding and Dr. Savic's suggest that the hypothalamus is specifically organized in relation to sexual orientation, he said.
Some researchers believe there is likely to be a genetic component of homosexuality because of its concordance among twins. The occurrence of male homosexuality in both members of a twin pair is 22 percent in nonidentical twins but rises to 52 percent in identical twins.
Gay men have fewer children, meaning that in Darwinian terms, any genetic variant that promotes homosexuality should be quickly eliminated from the population. Dr. Hamer believes that such genes may nevertheless persist because, although in men they reduce the number of descendants, in women they act to increase fertility.
New York Times
May 9, 2005
Gay Men Are Found to Have Different Scent of Attraction
By NICHOLAS WADE
Using a brain imaging technique, Swedish researchers have shown that homosexual and heterosexual men respond differently to two odors that may be involved in sexual arousal, and that the gay men respond in the same way as women.
The new research may open the way to studying human pheromones, as well as the biological basis of sexual preference. Pheromones, chemicals emitted by one individual to evoke some behavior in another of the same species, are known to govern sexual activity in animals, but experts differ as to what role, if any, they play in making humans sexually attractive to one another.
The new research, which supports the existence of human pheromones, is reported in today's issue of The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences by Dr. Ivanka Savic and colleagues at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm.
The two chemicals in the study were a testosterone derivative produced in men's sweat and an estrogen-like compound in women's urine, both of which have long been suspected of being pheromones.
Most odors cause specific smell-related regions of the human brain to light up when visualized by a form of brain imaging that tracks blood flow in the brain and therefore, by inference, sites where neurons are active. Several years ago, Dr. Savic and colleagues showed that the two chemicals activated the brain in a quite different way from ordinary scents.
The estrogen-like compound, though it activated the usual smell-related regions in women, lighted up the hypothalamus in men. This is a region in the central base of the brain that governs sexual behavior and, through its control of the pituitary gland lying just beneath it, the hormonal state of the body.
The male sweat chemical, on the other hand, did just the opposite; it activated mostly the hypothalamus in women and the smell-related regions in men. The two chemicals seemed to be leading a double life, playing the role of odor with one sex and of pheromone with another.
The Swedish researchers have now repeated the experiment but with the addition of gay men as a third group. The gay men responded to the two chemicals in the same way as did women, Dr. Savic reports, as if the hypothalamus's response is determined not by biological sex but by the owner's sexual orientation.
Dr. Savic said that she had also studied gay women, but that the data were "somewhat complicated" and not yet ready for publication.
The finding is similar to a report in 1991 by Dr. Simon LeVay that a small region of the hypothalamus is twice as large in straight men as in women or gay men. The brain scanning technique used by the Swedish researchers lacks the resolution to see the region studied by Dr. LeVay, which is a mere millimeter or so across. But both findings suggest that the hypothalamus is organized in a way related to sexual orientation.
The new finding, if confirmed, would break ground in two important directions, those of human pheromones and human sexuality.
Mice are known to influence each other's sexual behavior through emission of chemicals that act like hormones on the recipient's brain and so are known as pheromones. Hopes by the fragrance industry, among others, of finding human pheromones were dashed several years ago when it emerged that a tiny structure in the nose through which mice detect many pheromones, the vomeronasal organ, is largely inactive in humans, having lost its nervous connection with the brain.
Researchers interpreted that to mean that humans, as they evolved to rely on sight more than smell, had no need of the primitive cues that pass for sexual attractiveness in mice. But a role for human pheromones could not be ruled out, especially in light of findings that women living or working together tend to synchronize their menstrual cycles.
Some researchers see Dr. Savic's work as strong evidence in favor of human pheromones. "The question of whether human pheromones exist has been answered. They do," wrote the authors of a commentary in Neuron about Dr. Savic's report of 2001.
Dr. Catherine Dulac, a Harvard University biologist who studies pheromones in mice, said that if a chemical modified the function of the hypothalamus, that might be enough to regard it as a pheromone. She said the Swedish study was extremely interesting, even though "humans are a terrible experimental subject." She noted, however, that the researchers used a far higher dose of the armpit chemical than anyone would be exposed to in normal life.
If human pheromones do exist, Dr. Savic's approach may allow insights into how the brain is organized not just for sexual orientation but also for sexuality in general.
"The big question is not where homosexuality comes from, but where does sexuality come from," said Dr. Dean Hamer, a geneticist at the National Institutes of Health.
The different pattern of activity that Dr. Savic sees in the brains of gay men could be either a cause of their sexual orientation or an effect of it. If sexual orientation has a genetic cause, or is influenced by hormones in the womb or at puberty, then the neurons in the hypothalamus could wire themselves up in a way that permanently shapes which sex a person is attracted to.
Alternatively, Dr. Savic's finding could be just a consequence of straight and gay men's using their brain in different ways.
"We cannot tell if the different pattern is cause or effect," Dr. Savic said. "The study does not give any answer to these crucial questions."
But the technique might provide an answer, Dr. Hamer noted, if it were applied to people of different ages to see when in life the different pattern of response developed.
Dr. LeVay said he believed from animal experiments that the size differences in the hypothalamic region he had studied arose before birth, perhaps in response to differences in the circulating level of sex hormones. Both his finding and Dr. Savic's suggest that the hypothalamus is specifically organized in relation to sexual orientation, he said.
Some researchers believe there is likely to be a genetic component of homosexuality because of its concordance among twins. The occurrence of male homosexuality in both members of a twin pair is 22 percent in nonidentical twins but rises to 52 percent in identical twins.
Gay men have fewer children, meaning that in Darwinian terms, any genetic variant that promotes homosexuality should be quickly eliminated from the population. Dr. Hamer believes that such genes may nevertheless persist because, although in men they reduce the number of descendants, in women they act to increase fertility.
13 June 2005
Done and done
Gosh, I'm so happy. The program that I've been trying to get working is running at last. It really took me a long time to get the script right. It is another achievement for me. :)
Today I've also send my first batch of stuff over to Australia. Gosh, not long now before I'm gone. Time is starting to slip away from me.
Today I've also send my first batch of stuff over to Australia. Gosh, not long now before I'm gone. Time is starting to slip away from me.
10 June 2005
Nation no more
I just reaslied that the annual gay and lesbian dance party, Nation, will not be held in Singapore anymore. Then again it comes as no surprise to anyone from the GLBT community.
It is so sad, the the gahmen and agencies, can only see gay parties = AIDS. And the way the Singapore paper is making it seem that gay men are the only ones getting HIV is really typical.
It is so sad, the the gahmen and agencies, can only see gay parties = AIDS. And the way the Singapore paper is making it seem that gay men are the only ones getting HIV is really typical.
Packing
Gosh, I seem to have so many things to pack. My books alone will take up a number of boxes.
I have decided that I'll not bring everything over since I'll be returning at least once a year to visit my parents.
It is getting terribly exciting. My friend (Australian) has found a nice apartment for us to share and it it very centrally located and the price isn't bad, almost like living in Orchard/Scotts Road. :)
We have booked our tickets though T will be returning to Singapore (for he can't leave as yet).
I have decided that I'll not bring everything over since I'll be returning at least once a year to visit my parents.
It is getting terribly exciting. My friend (Australian) has found a nice apartment for us to share and it it very centrally located and the price isn't bad, almost like living in Orchard/Scotts Road. :)
We have booked our tickets though T will be returning to Singapore (for he can't leave as yet).
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